( Collapse )
“We were at a party…I fancied you for two years. She took my virginity it was the happiest moment of me life.
I told all my friends I was seeing ya you know.
And the next day, you looked right through me. I loved you and you wouldn’t even look at me.
I had to watch you going with all the other boys…
I tried to kill myself…I wanted to die because of you…”
This lasted all of a minute or two and is easily now my most favourite misfits scene ever. Joe Gilgun did a beyond phenomenal job. I’m only just getting to let my feelings out about it now cos I went over to Jorge’s for the premiere. Watching that laying next to him was like jabbing needles into my insides. Rudy is so much of a manifestation of Jorge AND me in such startling ways & it killed me. It’s like I could feel that it hurt him to watch it too. I wanted to run but was rooted to the mattress watching that. It was so painful. Even more so now but I don’t even want to talk about it since it’s all that’s been in my head.UGH shuttting up now.
So close. I was soooo fucking close to really changing myself with this one and keeping my feelings completely out of it. But I knew deep down that weren’t gonna happen since I’ve been eyein him for years.
I knew. I had told myself not to get ahead of myself and think that we were actually going anywhere. It was just fooling around. I told myself that I had to be the mature one and keep everything calm. But he’s 8 years my senior and I think I’m allowed to be a little fucking upset. I always have to be the mature one in every single situation. Do you know how difficult that is for someone that lives in a perpetual Neverland in their own mind? It’s such a strain on my psyche. Having to be both the one that is constantly making sure everything is ok and going well, and being the one full of reckless abandon. After all these years I think I’ve given myself a complex.
Usually I can keep Mature!Erika & Pan Syndrome!Erika on two completely different sides of my brain. I can jump back and forth between the two without hesitation. But he really came out of nowhere so I wasn’t prepared and now the line where the two dissipate has been muddied. It took him all of a MONTH to fuck with my head. Really? I’m trying soooo hard not to think about this. Trying to tell myself that I’m not actually as upset as I feel. Saying that I actually did keep my feelings out of it for the most part.
But he came at a perfect time.
A time when I’d lost all interest in so many things. He crawled into me without me even realizing it. I’ve become far too dependent on his company at these late hours. Though that’s not honestly his fault. It’s no one’s fault. It was just the fact that I’d never been shown affection in that way at late hours. At the time when I’ve spent countless nights wondering what it feels like to be cuddled up to someone at 4 am. He gave that to me. Now I’ve come to crave it like a drug addict. I swear I go through withdrawal every weekend I don’t see him.
I also should have known that it wasn’t really legit the way he felt. The times we DID mess/hang about, he’d been drinking at some point. Which honestly makes me feel that much worse. The fact that he only wanted to be around me while there was alcohol in his system. Plus the fact that I was almost like a rebound. Ok, not almost, I’m pretty sure that’s all I was. Another person to spend the night with so he wouldn’t be lonely.
Why does this always happen to me? Every. Single. Time. For once, for fucking once, I’d really like it if I just got the guy I really wanted.
I always used to pride myself on my “Well IDC if this didn’t work out like I wanted cos a broken heart hasn’t deterred me from love.”
I think that may be changing now.
I’m just even more bitter and cynical now. I shouldn’t be this way. I don’t want to let him get to me but fuck he already has. I’ve been so happy just devoting all my time to the Boosh fandom for the past year. Like, I can’t remember being that blissful and carefree in so long. No guys distracting me. Not a single guy crossing my mind or heart. Then he came along seriously out of nowhere. Everything happened so quickly. I’m disgusted with myself. For letting this happen again. For letting him get under my skin. For becoming so fucking dependent on someone so fast.
Congratuwelldone sir. If this has already come to an end before it even had a proper chance to begin, you’ve started the downfall of what was once the last optimistic part of me.
Using this Windows Live Writer thingamajiggy to see how it works & who know, maybe for once this LJ will stay proper alive.
It may come in handy when I want to write some of my NaNoWriMo stuff (which btw I got absolutely nowhere yesterday. Ugh, already a whole day wasted –_-)
I sometimes wanna change the name of this blog. Delete it and start fresh. But I can’t bring myself to do that knowing how old it is. I may have barely used it but damn it it chronicled some major stuff so I’d like to keep it where it should be/originally was.
Meh, enough for now. Just really wanted to test this thing out.
PS: I can’t change my icons, put what I’m listening to, change my theme or anything else like that really from this thing. Hmph >=\
I just sent in a really big confession that I'd like to post here too, for the sake of it not being anonymous SOMEWHERE:
"Even as anonymous I feel ridiculous posting this but, there are times I watch the Boosh and for some reason I start to cry. I don't exactly know why. The show breaks my heart in the strangest way now. I still love it to death, and it will always make me laugh, but there are just those times when it gets to me in a different way.
It feels even more like a galaxy away now. A moment in time that happened then and can't ever properly happen again.
I can't see Noel as Vince anymore. I don't see the Howard in Julian that was once so obvious. Dave is so much more than a gorilla and random objects. Mike has really come into his own as a man; not the "twelve year old looking" shaman. And well...Rich is Rich.
I'm completely sensible enough to realize that time is ever ongoing, people change, they branch out & live their lives, things flourish & fade away...
Please understand, I know they're still working on so much Boosh stuff. I'm well aware, and excited! But this odd feeling deep inside me won't go. It's pulsing; evolving into a creature that will surely eat away at me through the inside out.
I wish I could explain myself better, cos I'm just not phrasing this in a way that won't go misinterpreted by, if not all of you, at least one will take offense and try to tell me how I'm being melodramatic and name off a list of shit that I already know. Can we all just skip that? Cheers.
I guess in deciding to make a lengthy confession I solved my original problem in the first section of this. How bittersweet."
The sad thing is, I don't feel any better. Isn't confession good for the soul or some shit like that? Well, it does no good to me. (No wisecracks on my lack of a soul B| ) I just don't know anymore. I'm so drained by these men. Sometimes I just want to stop; stop caring about everything and everyone. Watch something with indifference. Listen to music without it rooting itself to me. Read something and not have it swim in my thoughts for weeks.
I don't know what to do *sigh*
Oh & I totally started the IkutoxTadase Ship on that post as well. Thanks to her for letting me do so :D
Ain't they the cuuuuuuuuutest?!?!?!
And MOST of all...
Who loves me enough eh? *bats eyelashes*
KUROSHITSUJI IS GONNA
HAVE A 2nd SEASON!!!!!!!
I think I just died. I seriously thought they were never gonna bring it back! but oh LAWDY! I haven't squee'd that loud in forever!!!!
at this moment in time, i am waaaaaayyyy too fucking excited. my heart is pumping like crazy! omg does this mean they ARE gonna add the circus people?!?!?! GAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
why must he be so godly?!